"I'd Rather Be Special Than Happy": Egos Don't Always Lead Us To Happiness

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A few years ago, I listened to this podcast episode from the Atlantic, How to Spend Time on What You Value, after a client sent it to me. You can listen here on Apple and here on Spotify.

Let’s talk about how our egos can lead us to pursue things that don’t always align with what we say is most important to us and/or leads us away from what would actually make us happy.

This is NOT to say we shouldn’t have ambition or go after full careers. Not at all – I personally am very ambitious and support women going after high-powered careers. Just make sure it’s what you truly want and fits with the life you want for yourself. Let’s discuss!

Full transcript:

Kelly Nolan: Welcome to the Bright Method Podcast, where we’ll discuss practical time management strategies designed for the professional working woman. I’m Kelly Nolan, a former patent litigator who now works with women to set up the bright method in their lives. The Bright Method is a realistic time management system that helps you manage it all personally and professionally. Let’s get you falling asleep, proud of what you got done today, and calm about what’s on tap tomorrow. All right, let’s dig in.

Hey, hey, and welcome back. Alright, today’s episode, my guess is, is gonna be a little bit shorter, but really packs a punch. And so I’m letting you know that at the top. So if you wanna do a play next type thing on your next podcast episode, go for it. Or you might wanna just sit in silence and kind of absorb this if it hits you in the way that it, the concept hit me originally.

What we’re digging into today is a [00:01:00] podcast episode that actually a client sent me that she thought I would find interesting, and she was very much correct and it was from The Atlantic and it was a podcast episode of How to Build a Happy Life. And in that episode, the host, Arthur Brooks shared a story of a woman he had interviewed.

There are a lot of layers to this story, and it was a woman who worked. So much, and it was an extreme case. I don’t think most people here are in the same spot, but it, I think maybe we can relate a little more than we want to, to this. It was a woman who worked so much that she barely had much of a relationship with her husband.

With her grown children, she thought she drank too much. She rarely worked out, and she was even feeling like she was starting to almost have a deteriorating work reputation because her decision making had become less than sharp because of how much she was working. And she asked him, what do I do? And he said, [00:02:00] you don’t need me to tell you what to do.

You need to use your time differently than you are. And she responded. I guess I prefer to be special than happy, and that cutting honesty, it took my breath away when I heard it. I remember the intersection I was at, the breath escaped my lungs. It just like whooshed out and I felt that, ’cause I’ve been there, I mean, I’ve been a little closer to there than I’d like to admit of really?

I get what she’s saying. I don’t judge it. I get it. I don’t like that. I get it a little bit, but I do get it. And so I just wanted to share that and talk about that today because I think it’s a wonderful flag that we should pay attention to. And so if you are like me, let’s dig into this a little bit today.

This brings to mind to me, discussions I’ve had with myself and other [00:03:00] people around ego. And a little bit of that. I mean, I know we all have, you know, I feel like ego has a couple different meanings, but I mean that ego of craving the prestige, the desire to feel special, all that kind of stuff. And in American culture, that specialness can be kind of defined as busy, which we Americans tend to even subconsciously equate with important and that.

Definition of ego is very powerful to some of us. Like the influence of our egos and that desire is powerful and to some people addictive. You get a taste of it. I get it. Again, there’s zero judgment here. I can tell you when I was practicing law, especially as a 20-year-old, I look young. I would be at a dinner party and people would be like, what do you do?

And I’m like, I’m an attorney. And I, I watched their [00:04:00] reaction and it felt really good. It fueled that part of me that liked that feeling, and so I completely get it. And ego drives us to take on at times crazy workloads because again, busy equals important, equals special and or. It has us stay in those prestigious jobs that get that reaction at the dinner party, even when those things are not making us happy anymore.

In fact, we do that. We take on crazy workloads, we stay in jobs. We don’t enjoy all of that, even when those jobs are consistently undercutting. Our ability to devote any time to the things we say and believe are most important in our life. I just wanna really drive this home today because it’s something that past me did not truly understand, especially when I was living in like survival mode.

’cause I was so busy and didn’t have a lot of time to think about this. I think a lot of us would get [00:05:00] there if we thought about it, but we don’t have time to think about it. And so I just wanna kind of maybe encourage you to think about it and maybe shortcut part of it or just leave it for you to consider like, not even shortcut, but more just like you can think about.

My theory is that ego does not always lead us to a happy life. In fact, it often can take us away from the things that would make us happy, and I think that’s critical to recognize again, what you do with that information is your decision. And you can also disagree with my theory on that, but I think it’s worth recognizing it even if you disagree with it, like recognizing it might be the wrong word there, but.

Playing with it as a concept. Do you agree with it or not? And just considering it because at least for a pass me, I could catch myself wanting to say yes to a project when my plate was definitely already full or working just that extra hour, cutting into free time or downtime [00:06:00] of something else that I wanted to do when I didn’t need to, that that push was in play.

It’s good to be aware of that. And in those moments, I think it’s smart to really question like, is my ego or my desire to be busy or special or important driving this decision? And is the action I’m about to take going to allow me to spend time doing the things I believe will make me happy? I do wanna like go a little bit on a tangent for a second here.

There is an article that I really enjoyed reading by Clayton Christensen, and it was in the Harvard Business Review and it’s called How Will You Measure Your Life? And it’s worth reading the whole article. There are parts of it that really stand out to me, and it’s been a while since I’ve read it. But basically one of the things he talks about in there is that work and making progress on work projects [00:07:00] and.

Even I’m thinking like email inboxes and all those things is very satisfying in many ways because we see the results on a relatively short term scale. We see the results. Have an email inbox go down in an hour in a project at work, maybe over the course of a couple months, but relatively short term where a lot of the things, and this is his point, just to be really clear, a lot of the things that we say are the most important to us, our relationships, our hobbies, our health.

Don’t have that same visible, measurable progress in the same way. Like you, he, I think he makes the point that like you don’t know if you raised a great kid until like 21 years later. And so, and e even beyond that, I mean, it’s an ongoing thing and so it’s just his point is we, especially high achieving people, are very drawn to seeing progress and knocking things out and knocking things outta the park and that kind of stuff.

And we [00:08:00] can see that more often in our work life and much more slowly, if at all, in, you know, just on like a, actually noticing the progress scale in almost every other part of our life. And he was just saying, you know. We need to be aware of that and wary of our draw towards seeing the achievement versus the slower progress in other parts of our life.

And I think that ties in here too, is a little bit differently, but the ego, the prestige, the high achieving, the wanting to see our achievements, that kind of thing can have a, this has a, they’re related and I feel like you probably get that. So I just wanted to throw that out there. As I was talking, I was like, this is like that article.

When we go back to ego, does not always lead to a happy life. I think that’s his point here too, is our desire as high achievers to see our achievement leads us to activities that don’t always lead [00:09:00] us to a happy life. So definitely check out that article. I will link it in the show notes as well. It’s such a good one, and I believe he wrote a book as well that some people have mentioned to me and really enjoyed too, so you could check that out if it’s really interesting to you.

I do wanna really clarify this though. I strongly believe that high impact work and happiness are not mutually exclusive. I think that sometimes my message can get distilled down to like do less, slow down, and that is true to a large degree. Like I think that we in American society, very generally speaking, without knowing you specifically, we tend to have a frantic, busy pace.

That I don’t believe is very effective. I think it’s a lot of busy work without an exhausting work that even if you are doing the high impact work in there, you’re doing it in a soup of other like busy work that’s frantic and it’s exhausting and it’s helping you. It’s leading you to not enjoy your [00:10:00] life as much as you could.

Or if we could strip it down. Get rid of some of that busy work and get clarity around some of the work, or at least understand when we’re doing it so we have more clarity and intentionality around it, then I think we can actually still do wonderful work, but actually enjoy how it feels more and feel more in control and have more breathing space and all of that, like the stuff I normally talk about.

And so I really wanna clarify that, that my point is not leave the high prestige job. Stop taking on so much work. So you feel important. Well, that is my point a little bit on the last one, like stop doing all the important things, is what I mean, so that you can slow down. I just think it’s critical to note that simplifying helps us go faster where it matters, and taking on less projects and taking on projects that you intentionally pick.

We’ll help you show up better in those roles, help you deliver better on those [00:11:00] projects, and be more satisfied and happy, and have more time for life outside of work. I believe all of that is possible, but it does require a lot of intentionality and resisting that. More ego, high achiever. I can do it all.

I martyr myself. That kind of tendency that a lot of us, I think. Understand can exist in us if we let it and if we let it have free reign, it will take it. And so we have to rein it in and use it strategically, but not all the time. Because doing that, doing that simplifying, taking on less projects, being more intentional, it forces us to narrow the projects we say yes to, but that allows us to do it.

To drive all of our efforts and energy to places that will have a bigger impact than if we were like willy-nilly saying yes to anything that comes at us and letting, just being very reactive and exhausting ourselves, trying to do all the things that we reactively said yes to. [00:12:00] That approach more dilutes your time and energy and intellect.

As I said, maybe it’s going a bit towards the high impact work, but it’s also in that soup of busy work and our time and our energy and all that is limited. So if we’re diluting it with that soup, then we are not having as big of an impact as we could have. I also wanna point out, as I was listening to this podcast episode, I’ll also link, I should have said this, I’ll link that to that Atlantic episode as well.

Gotta find it again, but I will, I’ll link to it, is I just wanna point out that it was fascinating that she was like, I just wanna be special, more than happy. And yet her reputation at work was also being diluted, decreased. By her overexertion, overextension and not showing up very, very well. And so I think that that’s a tough realization.

And I do think she was an extreme example. So [00:13:00] I don’t think that necessarily is going on in your life, just to be very clear about that. But I do think it’s worth noting that sometimes we do all of that Yes stuff. To be seen as that person doing everything and being the person who can handle it all and will get things done and all that kind of stuff.

And it’s worth just questioning. And this is a tough one, is like, am I really being known for that? What do strong leaders in my organization look like? And am I modeling myself after them? Do they say yes to everything? Are they being strategic and saying no to things and making decisions? And am I not modeling that?

Am I coming off differently than I’m intending? And that’s tough. I think that that’s really important to realize too, though, is when I hear this woman. And that Atlantic Podcast talking about sacrificing so much of her life for work, even assume it’s [00:14:00] worth it if it worked out well at work. Like let’s even assume that and think we would mostly disagree with that, but even assume it, it’s not actually working out that way for her overextending herself at work to the point that she’s neglecting everything else in her life, is still not getting her where she wants to be at work.

So if that approach doesn’t work necessarily, then is there a different approach that we should try? And I strongly believe that we can, because I do believe that yes, there are ebbs and flows during the year and during seasons and stuff like that. And there are times that we are all in at work and neglecting other parts of our life.

But intentionally like we are dropping that ball, as my friend Bailey says, like putting it down intentionally because we have to go in all in at work. But on the whole. Across, you know, a quarter, a year, however you wanna measure it. We are getting more balance in our life across that time. We are getting to spend more time in the rest of our [00:15:00] life and also reign work in at work, and do less than we were before when we were overextended, but doing pri work more intentionally and well and strategically so that we are having a bigger impact than we were before.

So taking a step back, I think my main takeaway is that if being happy in this life is a goal of yours, be skeptical of that ego. Be skeptical of the part of you that’s like, say yes for the prestige. Say yes for being special, all that kind of stuff. Feeling special does not always get you to feeling happy and enjoying your life.

Focus instead on getting intentional about where your time is going. Taking on less, but in a more high impact strategic role of what’s truly important and fulfilling to you and doing your [00:16:00] best to align where your time is going with what you believe is important to you. And if you are like past me, that would probably be nodding along to this, but then be like.

How do I bring this all to life? Like I want practical, I want concrete, I want understand it all. That’s truly where, I mean, that is a big part of where I think the Bright method shines. It is a powerful tool for this process because it makes concrete so much of what we’re talking about. It helps you see with more objective clarity where your time is going.

It helps you evaluate how you feel about that. Helps you make changes big or small, to bring your time in alignment with what is important to you and what makes life more enjoyable. It keeps you honest with yourself about the decisions you make when it comes to your time. It helps you see with more objective clarity, what exactly will get shifted out, what will have to leave.

If you take on that additional work for that prestige, [00:17:00] and sometimes that is a decision that you decide you need to make. Like if you are in a chapter of life where you are gunning for that promotion, then yeah, you see what you’re giving up, but you are owning it more. Not trying to be confused about why you’re doing this and losing that.

Like you’re seeing these decisions on the front end and you’re making them intentionally, but then you also can build in six months from now, a year from now, a shift in that and intentionally shifting your approach at a certain period of time. And it just helps you make decisions, as I said, more intentionally instead of reactively and just kind of.

Absorbing whatever comes at you. Instead, you are being strategic and running your life in a more intentional way, even when you decide to make some of these decisions, to go for that promotion during a period of time. And then you can reevaluate and readjust when that time is over in a more intentional way.

In short, I think it just helps you [00:18:00] take control of your life more, but also in a realistic way with, you know, leaving room for the curve balls and all that kind of stuff. And it helps keep you honest in a very practical way. And all of that, to me, has been invaluable in my life. I also wanna note that one of the big things we do, particularly towards the end of the program, I’m, I’m a big proponent of dealing with the current reality First.

Then figuring out where we wanna go with it. I just think we need the brain space. I’ve talked about that in prior episodes, but I think that we need to kind of handle our current reality before we start trying to figure out where we wanna go so that we have clarity around where we’re starting from. I think sometimes we’re not clear about that.

And then also reduce the mental load. So we have the brain space to be able to really think more clearly about where we want to go. And I’ll throw out there that to address that. Ego part of us that can strive for that prestige and like more what I should say, it’s like society defined success of what success [00:19:00] looks like.

That is something I can very easily fall into of like a certain income, a certain house, a certain car, that kind of stuff. To me, it doesn’t come down necessarily to those things. Specifically, but they’re there. When I can like picture my life, if I start being like, what do I want my life to look like? And so within the program, and I’ve talked about this year before, we really try to lean on how do you want your life to feel?

Because for me at least, that shifts me out of the consumerism, prestige type things and more into the time freedom, the balance. How do I spend my time? As I said, everything comes back to time, and I just throw that out there too, that that is part of the bright method too, is shifting away from how do I want my life to look like, and instead, how do I want my life to feel like, and what has to be true for my life to feel that way, and how do I start slowly working my way there?[00:20:00]

So as always, if you wanted to get a free taste of it, you can jump in my free five day program. It’s at kelly nolan.com/refresh. And if you want the full program for the full results, join me in the 10 week program, Kelly nolan.com/bright. I will throw out there that I get comments often about. How helpful the podcast is, which I’m so glad for and how helpful the free content like in the free program is, which I love.

But I also get comments from clients like I now see that you don’t give away 50% of what you teach in the program, or I’m learning so much more, or I spent years trying to do this on my own and I’m so glad I jumped in. One woman, a marketing director, said, confession. The cost made me culp. I waited through a couple programs and had such a hard time justifying the expense.

I even read practically every article Kelly ever wrote and tried to piece the bright method together for myself. What I learned really helped, but I kept hitting barriers [00:21:00] after finally enrolling in the program. I can say 100% worth the investment. So if you have been someone similar. I really encourage you to jump in.

There’s nothing like it than going through it with me and the other women in the program, and I hope to see you in there. And also in terms of what we’ve been talking about today as we head into 2026, here’s to learning the difference between where our ego may wanna take us and where we’ll be happy.

Understanding that slowing down can help us go faster where it matters, and using tools to help us design out the life we really want for ourselves. I hope to have work with you to help 2026 be a year with more clarity and calm and less stress and more peace of mind for you. And thank you for being here, and I’ll catch you in the next episode.

Links you might enjoy:

🌿 Free 5-Day Time Management Program Get five short, practical video lessons packed with realistic strategies to help you manage your personal and professional life with more clarity and calm.

“I’d Rather Be Special Than Happy”: Egos Don’t Always Lead Us To Happiness

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