It irks me when I hear people say, “Just schedule time for self-care.” Many people I work with might find the time for a break, but struggle to enjoy it because they feel anxious they should be doing something “productive” with that time. Let’s talk about that – and what to do about it.
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Full Transcript
Ep 62. It’s Not as Easy as Just Scheduling Time For Self-Care
[Upbeat Intro Music]
Kelly Nolan: Welcome to The Bright Method Podcast where we’ll discuss practical time management strategies designed for the professional working woman. I’m Kelly Nolan, a former patent litigator who now works with women to set up The Bright Method in their lives. The Bright Method is a realistic time management system that helps you manage it all, personally and professionally. Let’s get you falling asleep proud of what you got done today and calm about what’s on tap tomorrow. All right, let’s dig in!
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Kelly Nolan: Hey, hey! All right, so today I want to talk about self-care. Now, before we dig into this, just to preface this, that word for some reason makes me feel very heebie-jeebie-ish or cringy, and I think it comes down to the fact that it’s just a word that’s been somewhat commandeered by consumerism.
So when I hear self-care, I immediately think pedicures, massages, facials, and there is nothing wrong with those things. I love a great massage, but I think what it really comes down to is it’s somewhat dismissive. I don’t think that’s the right word for it, but it’s somewhat trite or something that assumes women, if they have time, of course those are the types of activities they would want to do. Where I think that women are a lot more complicated than that, and to feel like ourselves, to feel solid in who we are, to feel that life feeling again that we get maybe after a dinner out with friends (like you leave an awesome dinner with friends, and you have this whole new energy level in you), that feeling doesn’t come necessarily all the time from just massages, pedicures, and facials and shopping, you know? I think that women are a lot more complicated than that, and so, that mental link that has been created to pedicures and that kind of stuff, to me, is frustrating. So I’m not even sure that — that was a random tirade.
But when I use the word self-care, I hope that you understand that I really mean a broader meaning of taking care of yourself and doing activities that help you feel like you are an individual and either get more relaxed, which you might need, or reenergized, like that after-dinner feeling that I was talking about where you have all of that energy coming off from an awesome night out with friends. Those are the kind of things that I’m talking about in this context.
And at the risk of going on another tirade, I’ll give you the context that this is important to me because, like many time management things, I too often hear basically people say, “Just schedule time for self-care.” You know, “Just schedule time for it, and you’ll get it.” And that really irks me because, I mean, women are smart. If it were as easy as putting in scheduling time for, “Read a book,” or “Take a long, relaxing shower,” or anything like that, this wouldn’t be an issue. That advice dismisses the intelligence of women and does not account for the reality that contributes to this because, to me, yes, there is often an element of not being able to find the time to protect for this fun stuff, but the bigger issue I hear about is that even when you find the time — let’s say even you schedule it, and you’re like, “I’m gonna watch TV tonight and just relax,” or “I’m gonna read a book,” or even just something that’s easy. You’re staying at home, you’re gonna do something like that, a lot of women struggle to still enjoy that time and really absorb it because they have that nagging feeling throughout the whole thing that they should be doing something more productive during that time, and that’s really the issue, I think. It’s that feeling of I can’t enjoy the time I find, the limited time to do the fun things, because my brain is too worried about everything else I have going on.
And so, I want to talk about that today in terms of how we can really identify that that’s really the problem and then really dig into some solutions that will address it because I do believe we can enjoy downtime. We just need more support in getting there than just scheduling time for it. And you know that I love calendars. If I’m pushing back against, “Just calendar time for it,” there’s more going on here than just that.
Identify The Problems – 4:30
I think it’s, first, important to address the problems, and I think there are two problems that really create this nagging feeling that a lot of us experience when we’re trying to enjoy downtime.
The first is just the sheer volume of stuff on women’s plates across the board. There are just so many different roles we play. There’s so much mental load. There’s just a lot of logistical stuff on our plate, and that alone is a lot to manage. In relation to that, the tricky part is that we don’t typically have one clear view of what all those things are and, cutting to the chase, it’s a system failure. We don’t have a system, typically, that helps us see all the things across all the roles in one place, and I’ve talked about this before on here, but essentially when you don’t have a clear view of everything on your plate across all of your roles, then you don’t have clarity of how it’s all gonna get done, whether it’s gonna get done in time, if it can get done in time, and definitely not if you take a break tonight.
And so, when we don’t have that clarity when our tasks are on to-do lists and Post-It notes and in our email inbox and a lot are in our head and maybe in a project management tool and all these other places, that lack of clarity of, like, “What are all the things? How am I gonna get it done? Can I get it all done? Can I get it done if I take a break tonight?” That uncertainty is really a problem when you’re trying to take a break and really relax because that’s what causes us to physically be going through the motions of relaxing, but our brain is whirling trying to figure out all of those other things, and at the very least, just worrying about all of those other things.
On the flip side, when you have a system (obviously, I’m not trying to make this a sales pitch) like The Bright Method that helps you see all of those things together or maybe you keep work and personal life separate but within those two views you can see all of the things within all of your roles, when you can see all of that and spread things out over time like you can in a calendar and really make all the tasks visual, sprinkle them over time, see how it all interacts, see how it all comes together, that gives you the clarity to actually be like, “Oh, I can take a break tonight and actually relax because I can see in a visual, more concrete way how this stuff that’s all on my mind can actually get done in the future.” It has time protected. It can come together in a way that works. It all interacts in a way that works. I’ve maybe even built some wiggle room time into this stuff, and I can see how it gets done over time and take a break tonight, and that gives you the assurance to really enjoy that time and check out of the work, whether it’s actual professional work or homework as well, to really just recharge and soak in the time, whether it’s that relaxation time or the more fun social elements that we can get that reenergized feeling going forward.
And I know I’ve said this before, but just to really reiterate why the calendar shines with this and not just, let’s say, a master to-do list where you have all the to-dos across all your roles there. The calendar really shines here because it gives you a much more clear view of, again, how you’re gonna get it all done because every task that you have to do has time protected for it in the future. You can see that the amount of tasks in a day or across a week are realistic or you make adjustments to make it realistic. You can see how it interacts with everything else you have going on. It just gives you a lot more clarity on all of those points that other systems cannot do. And to me, that clarity is what’s critical to allow you to really relax and enjoy the moments that we’re talking about here today.
The other element of this that’s critical kind of goes to that first point I brought up is that just the sheer volume of work that we, women, have across all of our roles is when you use a calendar and see all the tasks together in the way that we’re talking about it and see how they all interact, you get a better, more objective, clear understanding of your overall workload, which helps you manage your overall workload in a much more powerful way. Without a system like this, I would struggle to understand what is my capacity and how full is it and when do I say no and how do I feel confident in that no or how do I rearrange projects to make the workload more realistic over time, and that really comes back to for you to enjoy your down time, your overall workload has to be realistic. You have to be able to get the work done in the time that you have and have time for the down time, and when your workload is unrealistic, obviously the first thing to go is the downtime, and we eat into all of that.
Okay, so the first point I wanted to make, and really the main point I wanted to make in this before I turn to some more miscellaneous tips when it comes to self-care is just make sure, whether you’re using The Bright Method or something else, that you are using a system that helps you understand all the things on your plate and how you’re gonna get them done over time and can still take a break, because that, to me, is really what it comes down to. It’s not just protecting time for the fun but understanding how everything else is gonna get done in the future and get done when time and have some wiggle room built in and all that kind of stuff so that you can really see in a concrete way, “Yes, I can take a break tonight. I can take a break this weekend. I can take a break on this vacation,” whatever it is, and everything else can still get done even if I don’t do it tonight,” and that will allow your brain to relax into what you’re trying to do. And if you want to try my method for that, go for it! If you want to try another system, awesome. I really just want you to have the ability to really absorb and soak in the fun times.
What to Do For Self-Care – 10:42
Now, what to do during those fun times, and I just want to share that this is not a weird question. I mean, some people I work with have a laundry list of awesome things they do to recharge themselves, and other people are like, “What do other people do for fun?” Because it’s hard! I mean, if you’ve been going so flat out for so long, it can be hard to remember what you like doing for fun or come up with ideas for this new you of who you are now versus 20 years ago when you last were able to have a ton of fun. It can be hard to figure that out. And so, there’s no judgment or shame in that if you struggle to know what you like to do.
It’s something that I relate to, to an extent. I would say that between law and then having little kids, it’s just been harder to find the time to do a lot of these hobbies, but for me, things that I know that really light me up are one-on-one time with friends. That’s something that just truly lights me up. Some groups, if I’m really comfortable with the whole group, that can be really fun. But as I get older, I just realize small groups, one-on-one stuff, one-on-three stuff is really fun for me. So that’s one thing.
I will say I’ve always found it very annoying when people are like, “What did you like to do as a child?” I’m like, “I don’t know!” But I will say I have been getting back into tennis, which is what I played in high school, and I kind of do get it now. It’s less annoying than I thought it was, in a weird way. I think why it’s powerful is that when I’m playing tennis now — and the last time I truly played tennis was in high school. I did play in college a little bit, just club. But the more I really was into it and it was really fun was high school, and it almost transports me back into that time in my life when I had way less responsibilities and life was just really exciting all the time and fun that I now get it. I get why people say that. So that’s just an option for you is the things that you did enjoy as a kid, if you start doing them again, you could see if it helps tap you back into that younger-energy feeling.
Other ideas that come to mind are taking courses you might enjoy. There’s Masterclass on TV, and Apple TV you can get Masterclass. I’m sure it’s beyond Apple TV but any of these smart TVs, little courses on film or history or reading good books or whatever it might be, feel free to lean into the nerd side of yourself that you’ve kind of always been a little bit intrigued by. It can be so, so fun to do that type of stuff, so I just bring that up.
I kind of see these things as two different camps. One is the stuff that I can do at home if I’m alone, I can do at home and really enjoy, and that’s that course stuff, a good book, maybe a good TV show, things like that. And then the other one for me is the more social stuff, and I will add to the tennis comment that as much as I’m enjoying playing tennis, it’s also an incredible way to meet other women, and that’s really fun if you’re trying to build a community, maybe you’ve been a little bit solo or you moved to a new town or you just became a little bit of a hermit because of kids or another reason, which I think a lot of us relate to. If you want to start building a community, playing a sport or doing some sort of activity with other people is a really wonderful way to meet people. You get to know people a lot faster than you do just at a cocktail party where you can be a little bit more small talk. I’ve really enjoyed getting to meet a lot more people through tennis in a very surprising way. I didn’t expect that element of it. I thought I was just getting into it for the tennis, and I really enjoy the social element of it all.
Other little options are a staycation. If you struggle on the day-to-day side of things to carve out time for this stuff, I know that it’s more rare and maybe not as good in that way, but it’s also really potent if you can get away for two nights and do a staycation-type thing. That can be really awesome. And another little random point is timing it to avoid the things that maybe you need a break from. And so, for me, if I can go out to dinner with friends, I’m the one who’s like, “Can we go at 5:00 so I can avoid all of bedtime?” And that’s really awesome too. So I just throw that out there that you can almost get the double benefit of scheduling things to also avoid things that you would like to avoid, that can be a really nice perk of this stuff too.
Block Time for Self-Care – 15:08
One last tip is gonna be really aggravating given the way that I kicked this off, but it is to block time. So schedule the down time, which you’re like, “What? You just said that that’s bad advice,” and I do think it is really bad advice standing alone. But my advice is, essentially, calendar everything including the downtime. And really what I want to get at is don’t assume your white space is down time. Don’t only use white space as your ability to get this down time or fun time that we’ve been talking about.
So really thinking about what would this look like for you. Just a general perspective. What would give you the self-care, the downtime, that kind of stuff that you want. Do you want two evenings a week where you do absolutely nothing once you’ve done all the necessities at home? Do you want to go out to dinner one night a week with friends or once every month with friends? What does that look like, and then how can you build that into your life? Do you need to set up a standing sitter every couple weeks to allow for that and then reach out to friends that might be able to go out to dinner with you?
Anything else? Even I would say general breathing space is important here. Even if you’re not doing a specific activity. If you’re like, “I just want more unstructured time to give myself more breathing space, that would be true self-care for me right now,” that sounds great too. But really use your calendar to block the time for it so that you don’t give that — you know, if you rely on white space then you tend to give the white space away to other people or other things that are productive, and you really want to protect the time for the fun so that you see it, so you make that desired breathing space visual in your calendar and protect it.
Just to clarify, you can treat this very flexibly. So let’s say you’re like, “I would like for a two-hour block every weekend to be my unstructured time.” That doesn’t mean — you can calendar that, repeat it on a weekly basis, but you just move it around. As things get planned, you move things around. Or if you’re like, “I just want two nights a week at home where I do nothing,” and something gets scheduled on one of those nights, then you just move that block around to find a new time for it. But it just helps you really make intentional decisions about where your time is going, remind you to protect that time for future you, and then really get to bring it to life and have that time protected.
Recap / The Bright Method Enrollment – 17:35
So to recap, I really do — whatever you want to call it, self-care or something else — I want you to have time that you get to spend doing things that remind you and bring you back to who you are as a person and recharge you, whether it’s relaxation or in that reenergizing way. To get there, it does go beyond just scheduling time for self-care because I believe that the biggest impediment, the biggest obstacle to us really getting and enjoying that downtime is the nagging, lurking feeling about, “When am I gonna get everything else done?” And so, to get there, it’s harder than just scheduling time for self-care but to get you there, it really helps to use a system to help you schedule time for everything so that when you sit down or do whatever you want to do to have fun, you have that assurance and that confidence of, “Yeah, I have a lot of other stuff I have to do. It’s a lot that I’m managing and all of that, but I understand that I have a game plan for how to get it all done in the future that does not require me to do it all right now.” And that’s really when we get to soak in and enjoy that protected downtime that we’re all looking for.
All right! So I hope you have a system that helps you do that. If you would like to try out The Bright Method to help you do that, you are welcome to! The full program is now open for enrollment! You can check it out at www.kellynolan.com/bright, but if you want a free five-day taste of it, you can go to www.kellynolan.com/refresh, and that’ll give you a five-day free program walking you through it by video lesson so you can get a taste of it.
I do believe that time management is very personal. I don’t believe that everybody should be using The Bright Method. I just want to empower people with it if they think it is the right fit for them. So check it out if you would like. More importantly, thank you for being here, and I’ll catch you in the next episode!
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